Choose your weapon wisely

by Peter, Isaac, and Ruby Stedman

The hunter got on his boots.  He said to himself, “Hmmm, before I go hunting for chipmunks, I need to decide:  which gun should I use?  Should I use the 20-guage or the 12-guage?  Last time I used the 12-guage, I dislocated my shoulder.  I believe I will use the 20-guage.”

He had another thought, “What would happen if I shot the chipmunk with the 20-guage?”  He couldn’t quite remember what happened that last time, when he shot the chipmunk with the 12-guage.  “Well, I should be fine.  The 20-guage doesn’t have as much kick.”

Then he thought, “well, maybe I shouldn’t use it, it might blow the chipmunk to pieces.  I’ll just take the bazooka.  I hope it won’t have too much kick.”

He tromped carefully into the woods, trying not to step in the bear traps he’d carefully disguised as mushrooms.  He saw the blue chickadee, he heard the call of the parrot and he smelled his boot grease.  Hunters always use all their senses.

He couldn’t really find his treestand to go sit in because he had disguised it as lichens and thriving vines of poison ivy.  As he wandered, he reviewed the methods he’d studied in The Art of Processing Chipmunk and How to Cook It by Professor Elwood, expert wild game field-dresser.  He longed to try “boiled chipmunk with mushroom” and “roasted cheek-nuts”.  As a proven crack-shot, he was grieved that he never tracked down his whole chipmunks, though he had found several tails.

Finally, he found the treestand and climbed up in (always careful to use the handy vines as handholds).  He waited and waited and waited some more, for two hours (in which he was eaten alive by mosquitoes and black flies).  He finally saw his prey, climbing up the tree beneath him.  He lowered his bazooka to take aim.  Ka-blamm!!  Crash!! 

The tree’s stump disappeared.  With the wind in his hair, he felt the tree falling and then everything went black.

When he awoke, he started the meticulous process of finding his quarry.  It was then that he noticed a large hole in the ground with fragments of lichen, shreds of vine and twists of treestand nearby.  He was disappointed he couldn’t find his chipmunk, yet again.  He thought to himself, “I should have brought the 22.”

Stay tuned for his next adventures:  Hunting for mushrooms and The mystery of the itchy tree stand.